Busy is Not Better…

For me. Maybe it is for you? That’s cool.

I was recently asked by my personal coach to start designing my “Support Kit” and at first I was really struggling. Everything I was considering was tangible. That’s a problem when you have relatability issues with 95% of the people in your life and “things” just aren’t your things. Hmmm???

Then I realized…the two items I need the very most in my kit ARE NOT TANGIBLE.

Rest. Let me repeat a bit louder for those of you in the back row….REST. I don’t particularly like to be busy. I really hate to have more than one thing on my plate in the same day and when I don’t have completely empty days every now and then I can get quite stressed.

Stress for me leads to junk food and the spiral begins.

Grace. Grace. GRACE!!! The “free and unmerited favor of God” according to The New Oxford Dictionary is the second item I’m throwing in my kit. Because sometimes life just simply doesn’t provide me with opportunities of as much rest as I would like.

So, rest. Rest is not lazy. Rest is self care.

Grace…for the days when I choose the cheese fries and some days cheese fries are also self care.

Peeling Away My Layers…

Image result for peeling away the layers quotes

I’ve recently peeled back a few layers. Yet, I get so tangled up with the layers that still exist and impatient with what’s beneath them. I’m starting to recognize that some of my “issues” aren’t removable layers, they are the permanent flaws in the flesh beneath. They are a part of me. My scars. My cracks. I may be able to alter them, but I can’t erase them.

I’m trying to remind myself that as I continue to work behind each layer, I have two choices.

1) Hide my scars by covering them up with makeup that feels heavy and shameful. At the end of each day, washing off that makeup only to reveal my true self while staring into a mirror of disappointment. Day after day. Exhausted.

OR…

2) Expose each scar for what it is. Apply the proper medicine to repair the open wounds, but stop worrying about completely removing them. The scars are mine. Own them. Share my stories of why they exist and in turn possibly help others feel less ashamed of their scars. We all have them.

So what about those last twenty layers? Well, some may be offering me protection I don’t realize I need right now. Ultimately, each peeled back layer will reveal more scars, right? More repair efforts. I guess I just feel if I hurry up and rip off the band-aids to fully expose myself, I can start mending the cracks and will once and for all feel free.

What if now isn’t the time to feel free? Maybe it is time to sit in these feelings for a bit. Now is the time to research what materials will best repair the gaping holes. Stop using cheap methods of repair. Find the gold.

In the end, does anyone ever truly feel completely free?

The realist in me says, “NO!!!”.

My newfound curiosity says, “Well, maybe?”

Just maybe.

My Past, Present, and Yet to Come…

Most recently my life seems a bit reminiscent of the classic Charles Dickens film, A Christmas Carol. No, I haven’t been visited by ghosts, but I definitely feel like certain angels on earth have been put in my path for good reason. God and The Universe (I personally believe that the two like to work together), but whatever you believe or don’t believe I can assure you that there is most definitely a higher power helping me out and moving my puzzle pieces into perfect alignment, I’m grateful. I’m feeling so at peace lately. I’m feeling balanced. Come meet my angels on earth…

THE ANGEL FOR MY PAST: Earlier this year I was at my worst. Plagued once again with deep rooted feelings of abandonment and disappointment. I was sick and tired of pushing those feelings down. Each time they resurfaced they felt stronger than the time before. An upcoming trip was causing me major anxiety. My years of reading self-help books wasn’t working. I was short with my husband and kids. I was extremely defensive about everything. I was unhappy with just about every single aspect of my life. I was broken.

Enter Angel One: I will lovingly refer to her as Fairy Godmother. She is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). She was referred to me by a friend. I made an appointment. I was vulnerable. I told my story. I spoke about my past. I cried. I opened up about why I was hurting so badly. I cried. She listened. She validated my feelings. I cried. She suggested solutions. I cried. Slowly, I started gaining confidence. Most recently I had a very emotional session, but my tears weren’t sad this time. When I went from seemingly happy conversation one minute to bursting out into tears the next Fairy Godmother asked me, “Where is this emotion coming from?” I replied, “I just realized that I’m doing much better than I’m giving myself credit for.” Over these past 6 months she has helped me recognize that I don’t give myself enough credit for my accomplishments. I’m so grateful for the clarity I have receive during our visits. I’m so thankful for the help I receive from my Fairy Godmother.

THE ANGELS FOR MY PRESENT: Living in the present has always been so hard for me because my unresolved pain was never allowing me to move forward. My progress with Fairy Godmother catapulted me into wanting to make up for lost time.

Enter Angel Two: This is more of a group effort, but it starts with Whole 30 Certified Coach, Jacob Henriquez. I’m not exactly sure how long, but for at least a year or so, I’d been captivated by Jacob’s famous morning coffee pours on Instagram. I loved his message of inclusiveness. Even when I went through my “I wanna be a brat and hate Whole 30” phase…I kept following Jacob. I was coming off of a HARD CORE Intuitive Eating Rebel Binge and around mid-July I was squirming my way back towards The Whole 30 Community. Jacob announced that he was opening up a September Whole 30 Private Group and I felt an instant vibe that this group was exactly where I was supposed to be. I just knew this was going to be a safe space. It turns out that it wasn’t only a safe space, it was FILLED amazing group members and we instantly connected. Through sharing our struggles, our accomplishments and OF COURSE pictures of our meals…we have bonded. Like all groups, not everyone thrives, but for those of us that have stayed the course this month, our experience has been nothing short of amazing. We are genuinely cheering each other on, even for those who are still struggling. No judgement. Refreshing. Life changing. Shall I say, easy. I’m so grateful for Jacob, along with his partner in crime, newly certified Whole 30 Certified Coach Alexis, and the members within our group. My present life has certainly taken on a new form.

My glass is filling up more and more each day. So much so that I am working towards eventually becoming a Whole 30 Certified Coach myself. It took me FIVE rounds of Whole30 to finally decide to hire a coach. I’m thankful for the inspiration I’ve received that helped me decide I wanted to start working towards helping others find their peace with food, the scale, and/or their body image like I am. I’m slowly feeling unstuck. It’s nice.

THE ANGEL OF YET TO COME: Wow, seems weird to type. I used to NEVER think about my future. If I did and it was positive, it was fleeting. When it was negative, I was stuck. A member in our September Whole30 group shared Seth Godin’s recent blog post about being stuck. In it he says, ” The only way to get out of the spot you’re in is to do something that feels unreasonable…”

Hmmm? Okay, God/Universe. I hear you. I’m listening.

Enter Angel Three: Personal Coach, Tracy Bianco. Several years ago, I was virtually introduced to Tracy through our local Chamber of Commerce. After following her Facebook Page for quite a while, I mustered up the courage to personally introduced myself to her at an EmpowHER Women’s Conference in June of 2019. Shortly after I joined her Facebook Group centered around “Clearing Our Clutter” and I was a semi-active participant. Fast forward to the end of August. Tracy sent me an email. It was a personal email. She remembered me introducing myself and she was launching a new program that she thought I may find interesting. Her instincts were correct. In the short time I’ve been working with Tracy, my life is already starting to change. She’s helped me home in on the risks my brain won’t allow my heart to take. It’s exciting. I’m looking forward to working with her more over the next 6 months. For someone that never invests in myself at this level, it feels unreasonable…but I’m excited. I’m slowly pulling myself off of that sticky trap.

THE MORAL OF MY STORY: Once again, EMBRACE the help from others. ASK for help from friends or family. Hire the help, if you have to. You are worth the investment!!! It’s not weak to ask for help. It’s not weak to reach out and have others take some of your burdens away so that you can shine in other areas of your life. When I started cleaning up my mental clutter, the world around me started to look so much different. It can for you, too.

God bless us, every one!”
– Tiny Tim

Fear of Judgement…

Judgement.

The worst part about public journaling. Am I using the correct they’re/their/there? Am I misusing commas? Is this effecting me or is it affecting me???

Ugh…

However, there is something very cathartic about just putting my authentic self out to The Universe and not giving two shits about any shade that gets thrown my way.

Ahhhh….my sigh of relief.

I know I always use too many (dot) (dot) (dots)….but that’s my thing! It’s me!!! Read this…or don’t.

I’m grounded. I’m good. I got this.