I’ve recently peeled back a few layers. Yet, I get so tangled up with the layers that still exist and impatient with what’s beneath them. I’m starting to recognize that some of my “issues” aren’t removable layers, they are the permanent flaws in the flesh beneath. They are a part of me. My scars. My cracks. I may be able to alter them, but I can’t erase them.
I’m trying to remind myself that as I continue to work behind each layer, I have two choices.
1) Hide my scars by covering them up with makeup that feels heavy and shameful. At the end of each day, washing off that makeup only to reveal my true self while staring into a mirror of disappointment. Day after day. Exhausted.
2) Expose each scar for what it is. Apply the proper medicine to repair the open wounds, but stop worrying about completely removing them. The scars are mine. Own them. Share my stories of why they exist and in turn possibly help others feel less ashamed of their scars. We all have them.
So what about those last twenty layers? Well, some may be offering me protection I don’t realize I need right now. Ultimately, each peeled back layer will reveal more scars, right? More repair efforts. I guess I just feel if I hurry up and rip off the band-aids to fully expose myself, I can start mending the cracks and will once and for all feel free.
What if now isn’t the time to feel free? Maybe it is time to sit in these feelings for a bit. Now is the time to research what materials will best repair the gaping holes. Stop using cheap methods of repair. Find the gold.
In the end, does anyone ever truly feel completely free?
The realist in me says, “NO!!!”.
My newfound curiosity says, “Well, maybe?”